HOWTO: Develop Kerala

Finally we have a fool proof plan for making Kerala the hub of IT development. This plan is so perfect that once implemented, investors will be running to the state with the same enthusiasm with which Karunakaran is running towards the Communists.
Previously, some management types working for investors did some research on places to invest in India and came up with Kochi, Kerala. The person had used factors like educated workforce, access to airport, roads etc and Kochi was the perfect match like the hammer to the sickle or Prakash to a Karat.
A bunch of VC’s came with bag loads of money, made the decision to setup shop, and while trying to enjoy the trip were are stuck in a houseboat in middle on a lake in Kumarakom due to an instant hartal called by the Communists, protesting the lack of hartal for a month. The oarsman who was a Communist had deserted the boat.
After living on fresh fish for two days, the realization stuck them that they need to add more parameters into their Excel spreadsheet while choosing places to invest. Since then Kochi was blacklisted among all VCs and they instructed their travel departments never to book a ticket to God’s own country, even if an actual God ordered them. So no one invests in Kerala anymore.
If you have been reading news, you know that politicians have changed the name of Bangalore to its ancient name Bengaluru to more accurately reflect the 16th century infrastructure there. As a result, the name Bangalore is up for grabs.
Our plan consists of instantly renaming Kochi to Bangalore. Now when a VC wants to invest in Bangalore and books a ticket guess where he is going to land? I mean who calls his travel agent and says, book a ticket to Bengaluru? Before you know investors will be landing in the Kerala and creating startups. IBM, Microsoft and Google will be having offices in coconut groves and employees will be getting free Ayurvedic massages as perks.
By the time the Comrades return back from their conclave in Kolkatta, the palce would have changed like anything. Internet cafes would have changed to dotcoms. Old dilapidated shops which used to sell bananas, cigarettes and Ma magazines would be having a BPO operation on the side. DYFI members would be speaking Malayalam with an American accent and SFI activists would be enthusiastically discussing BitComet’s non-honoring of BitTorrent private flag.
Looking at this, the Comrades would be wondering if a coconut fell on their heads. They would take out their Nokia phones and dial each other to protest this invasion of globalization. Wouldn’t that be a sight to see.

11 thoughts on “HOWTO: Develop Kerala

  1. ROFL.
    great take on the name change.
    btw, that kochi name change could backfire, you know? since they discover that it is bad, they might as well say “hell with (Kochi urf) Bangalore” and go elswhere! 😛

  2. You make a wonderful point about how silly it sounds to say ‘book me a flight to Bengaluru’. That’s one of my chief objections to the name change. It’s so last century, my deah!
    This had me in splits too: “name Bengaluru to more accurately reflect the 16th century infrastructure there.”
    Great post.

  3. You make a wonderful point about how silly it sounds to say ‘book me a flight to Bengaluru’. That’s one of my chief objections to the name change. It’s so last century, my deah!
    This had me in splits too: “name Bengaluru to more accurately reflect the 16th century infrastructure there.”
    Great post.

  4. Funny as hell:)
    It would be nice if DYFI & SFI had some thing constructive to do like sitting in a BPO office and not bother common folks. But I also hope the tea shops are around and not replaced by Walmarts 🙂

  5. LMAO!! That was hilarious stuff. Whatever it is, kerala is always fun the way it is, we sit in tea stalls and debate stuff from all over the world, and yet the comrades seem to have skipped the news about communists are not IN anymore. Maybe an overnight transformation, while the comrades are away, would be the fix!

  6. The seed of communism has spread across kerala like weed. No development is possible as long as communists and their puppies(DYFI and SFI) are there. A daily wage earner and govt office employees all want a dose of Stalin and Lenin at the end of the day(along with a bottle of toddy. prepared by comrades after mixing with yesterday’s kunji water). They get goosebumps when they talk about china(the paradise for them). These days top comrades are busy getting massages from ice-cream parlours run by some of the ministers of God’s Own Country.
    So but far away in Bengal, Buddha is laughing and crying hysterically what his comrades have been doin since last 30 years. Even after 30 years, there are hand-pulled rikshaws running in Kolkata.
    I am sure once the oil get dried up in gulf, we are also going to do the same. you can see the handpulled rikshaw everywhere. They will run from Kochi to Thiruvandapuram also.

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